"The quieter you become, the more you are able to hear." ~Rumi
I’ve been quiet the past few months.
Keeping to mySelf intentionally because I didn’t want to mention what I was experiencing only to hear everyone else’s horror stories.
What is it about us that makes us want to share our scary stories when we hear someone’s pain?
It reminded me of when I was pregnant and other women insisted on telling me their pregnancy horror stories. The labor and delivery stories scared the crud out of me.
That doesn’t work out so well for someone with an anxiety disorder. So I decided to keep quiet. To go through everything I needed to. I chose to only share it with a few close friends because I didn’t want to go through it completely alone, but there has been so much noise in my head, literally, that I knew I couldn’t handle any more.
We're at our most vulnerable when we're not feeling well, both physically and emotionally.
Trust me when I tell you other people’s stories would only create more chatter in my head.
It started during a very normal dinner conversation with a friend.
“oh my ears suddenly feel like they’re filling up with fluid.” I said aloud.
I thought I was just having a sudden onset of allergies.
“Ugh…now they’re ringing. What the heck?’
I assumed it would pass.
It hasn’t yet.
Now, a little more than 2 months later, my ears are still screaming at me.
I was smack in the middle of trying to heal some serious adrenal fatigue when my ears began to scream.
That is the best way to describe how I feel. Noise in my head around the clock with no reprieve.
I've awakened twice in the middle of the night and got so excited that they weren’t ringing. I got tearful and expressed gratitude to the universe and then BAM! It was back.
I quickly began to feel like I was losing my mind. I am someone who thrives in the quiet. In the past few years I’ve learned how to manage my anxiety, which used to be debilitating, and these modalities of healing all involve getting quiet.
Suddenly that was ripped away from me and replaced with this constant noise in my head. A noise only I can hear.
I’ve been asked repeatedly by medical professionals to describe the noise. Apparently, the type of noise helps them eliminate certain causes.
I’m the person that will unplug things in my house if they are humming and hissing because it drives me crazy.
The noise is like a high frequency sound. Like something is plugged in and hissing.
Experiencing this has been like Chinese water torture for me.
Since then I've seen multiple doctors and specialists, both holistic and Western medicine. I’ve been given multiple answers, I’ve done all the things suggested, and still they scream.
This experience has had a profound psychological impact on me.
I cried more tears the first few weeks than I've cried in a very long time. I was utterly exhausted from both the adrenal fatigue and the stress of experiencing tinnitus. I stopped leaving my house. I became extremely depressed. I stopped socializing because it was nearly impossible to focus on a conversation because of the noise.
The truth is I’m now experiencing something that has so many possible causes that it’s nearly impossible to narrow it down and without narrowing it down, it’s nearly impossible to treat it.
The past 9 weeks have been spent at countless doctor’s appointments and trying so many different things.
When it started I had recently not felt well at all. At first I thought it was the adrenal fatigue, but then began to suspect a virus.
At the time I had been drinking a nettle infusion for the adrenal fatigue and it was suspected that I had severely dehydrated mySelf, drying out the cochlear area of my ears.
From the beginning I have felt as though I had several things happening at once. The perfect storm so to speak.
The adrenal fatigue which made me susceptible to illness and my usual allergy/sinus issues kicked in during this time.
I went to my first ENT thinking we would be talking allergies and sinuses only to have him tell me he suspected a brain tumor. Information that he delivered with zero bedside manner.
Hello anxiety!
No worries! I fired that doctor immediately. I’ve since had an MRI and my brain is fine. Also, my hearing is still perfect. I’m now working with a new ENT.
I’ve eliminated things from my diet, I’ve tried oils in my ears, nasal sprays, herbal supplements, acupuncture, chiropractic work. You name it, I’ve tried it!
It has been suggested that this is part of the adrenal fatigue and/or caused by stress.
TMJ issues may also be the culprit.
The chicken or the egg?
Like I said so many things all at once make it hard to narrow it down.
All I know is that it gets louder when I lay down and I have had allergy/sinus symptoms the entire time.
The good news is that I’m healing my adrenal fatigue and feeling so much better. I’ve started to leave my house again and I’m getting back into a healthy routine.
I made a decision one day to take back my life and that’s what I’m doing.
The noise is still there, it seems quieter most of the time and I’m still hopeful that it’s temporary.
It still distracts me during conversations on occasion, but I’m learning to work with it.
Tinnitus is one of the single most frustrating issues for patients and medical professionals because it is so hard to treat. 90% of the time it is a symptom of something else. Determining that something else is the frustrating part
.
There are clinics and support groups all over the world because it can be so psychologically damaging to those suffering from it.
Trust me, it is suffering.
I had to make mySelf get off the Google because it was triggering so much fear and anxiety.
That said, I did read one thing that I took away from all that I read and it has really stuck with me. It fit right into my belief system and when I read it I knew I was meant to see it that day.
In an online discussion between people experiencing tinnitus a young woman commented, “in my country it is said that your ears ringing means your soul is crying.”
Holy whoa!
Ok that definitely fit. The past decade has been one of so much pain, loss and trauma. Crazy amounts of trauma all happening in a very short period of time.
Granted that also means the past decade has been one of tremendous growth, but even positive growth can produce stress and trauma.
When the more drastic adrenal fatigue symptoms started to occur I wasn’t at all surprised. Truly it was only a matter of time before my body slammed on the brakes and said, “ok ENOUGH already!”
It started with being more exhausted than I have ever been in my life. That’s when I knew something wasn’t right and requested an adrenal fatigue test from my doctor. At that time my levels were close to critical.
It’s been almost 6 months on this healing journey and I have learned so much.
The amount of gratitude I have for this precious body of mine is endless. I've spent far too much of my life at war with my body. My focus now is being at peace with my body. All of it and not taking any of it for granted.
I listen, truly listen, to my body. No matter how quiet that still small voice is, I listen.