We live in a culture where not only is it common for women to tear down other women, but it’s become acceptable…the social norm.
It’s not limited to “my generation” either. When I was a child I remember being at my Nonnie’s where the front door seemed to be a revolving one. People were always showing up, popping in just to say hi or have a glass of iced sun tea from the old yellow Tupperware pitcher that seemed to magically refill itself in the fridge.
People would come in to share their joy and excitement, their troubles and worries. What I began to notice at a very young age was when the women would leave after hours of catching up the front door would barely be shut, sometimes she’d still be smiling and waving good-bye, as she was whispering under her breath through her smile “wheeeeeeew honey. That one is touched in the head, yes she is.” And just like that the gossiping would begin.
I looked on as the women in my life would all share each other’s stories, even if they weren’t their stories to share.
In school I became an easy source of gossip because of my old tattered clothes and obvious lack of money. I was also chubby so I was an easy target. Bullying aside, the gossip was what hurt the most. I grew to expect, even accept, the bullying, but the gossip was my greatest source of pain. The gossip came from me thinking that my story was safe with others that I trusted only to have them share my story, at least their own distorted version of it. It also came from those who thought they knew my story so they told it as though it were truth. Really they knew nothing about me or what was happening in my life.
I began to believe that this was normal. This is what we were supposed to do. As a teenager I was guilty, I loved a bit of juicy gossip. Most often I just liked to hear about it, to know what was going on. It made me feel like I was a part things, clearly stemming from my own insecurities.
Once in a while I would share, but I never felt right sharing the “big” stuff, the stuff I knew I wouldn’t want shared about me if I had confided in someone. Something that came very naturally to me was not sharing the painful truths of others. The truths they shared with me especially during their lows when they were feeling most vulnerable. Eventually I realized I didn’t like how it felt sharing any of it even the smaller stuff.
I was able to do what many others around me seemed incapable of, which was hold the stories of others sacred and safe. I began searching for others who could do the same and experienced a lot of pain and hurt along the way. A hurt that came from trusting other women to hold my stories and not share them as their own, only to have those very stories make their way back to me and, much like a game of telephone, they were always a distorted version of my truth.
In my early 20s something shifted within me. Not only did I find myself wanting deeper relationships I realized that I no longer enjoyed hearing stories from people that were not theirs to share. I realized how much I was participating in the gossip even if it was just by listening and it didn’t feel good.
I also learned that if I felt the need to say, “please don’t tell anyone” before sharing my story then I really needed to reevaluate who I was sharing my stories, and my time, with.
I began to build a tribe of amazing women around me. A tribe with a scared knowing that stories shared are kept close to the heart. A tribe that I feel I can turn to no matter what and not only will they listen with an open heart and an open mind, but without judgment and most importantly, my stories are safe. I no longer find myself saying, “please don’t say anything” because it’s not necessary.
Men are no exception and certainly participate in gossip and the sharing of other's stories, but there is something so amazingly sacred and powerful that happens when women support other women.
I've witnessed the beauty and power that exists when women come together in support of one another. I’ve experienced the healing that takes place when women are able to share their truths with one another without judgment and without fear that their stories are being retold.
I wish all women had the opportunity to experience what it’s like to be part of a sacred sisterhood. I wish as women we could all learn to hold each other up instead of tearing each other down. Imagine how powerful we could be and how much healing would take place if there was no need to know each other’s business, to only be engaged in our own stories and focus our energy on what we need to work on rather than attempting to make ourselves feel better by sharing other people's stories. The truth is, that need to gossip, to share what someone has told us comes from a place of insecurity and lack of self-worth.
When you are confident and secure in your own choices you don’t need to talk about other people and what they’re doing, you don’t need to find out what’s going on and then go share it. When you are confident in your own choices and who you are as a person you know that it doesn’t matter what anyone else is doing, all that matters is that you love them and are there for them.
What matters the most is how you choose to show up for others. That is what people will remember about you. People you come in contact with will always remember how you made them feel.
I invite you to be honest with yourself and spend some time focused on your conversations. Truly look at how much time you spend engaged in conversations about someone who isn’t present. Listening is engaging. When you have the opportunity to shut something down and you choose to listen you are no less guilty than the person speaking.
I invite you to consider the power of your words and the impact they have on others. If you find yourself saying things to people like, “did you hear”, “oh she didn’t tell you that” or “oops I thought you knew” then you are not being true to your friendships by sharing stories that are not yours to share and you are participating in the gossip and the tearing down of others. Words are so very powerful and often we speak without giving thought to this.
Choose your words wisely and use them to bring beauty into the world. Use them to hold space for others and help heal your sisters’ wounds. Use them to soothe and demonstrate gratitude for all that you have and all that you are becoming.